Loved and Worthy of Love

an endless journey toward self-acceptance

Category: What I Ate Wednesday (Page 1 of 10)

What I Ate Wednesday 9/21/16

Good morning! I’m trying to get back into the habit of writing in general, and back into the habit of blogging. As I have moved through the recovery process, blogging has felt less necessary for me, primarily because I’m just so busy. I think it is really important for there to be blogs out there of people who are pursuing full lives through recovery, though, and I want to be that kind of blog. So, I’m back at it today! I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of food with you, which I haven’t done in quite some time.

This particular day was one in which I was visiting Indiana for my best friend’s wedding. I landed at 6am in Chicago, and I was starving when I got off of the plane. Before getting on the train to Indiana, I stopped at Panera for some oatmeal and a whole lot o’ coffee.

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oatmeal with strawberries and pecans

While on the train, I snacked on a bag of trail mix that I had brought with me.

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My friend picked me up in Indiana, and we grabbed some lunch on the way into town. One of the grocery stores there has a great salad bar, so we decided to stop there.

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salad with cottage cheese, garbanzo beans, and  vinaigrette

After I had settled in for a few minutes, it was time for my friend’s bachelorette party group yoga class! If you’re ever hosting a bachelorette party, I highly recommend this idea. It was such a nice way to spend time together, and it was something that my friend absolutely loved.

When we finished with our class, we went back to my friend’s house to get ready for our bachelorette party dinner. While we were getting ready, we snacked on various little things to hold us over until dinner.

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Oreo cookies, pretzel sticks, and unpictured M&M’s. 

After we had fancied ourselves up, we headed out to dinner together at a nice restaurant. Everything looked incredible, and after much deliberation I decided to order mussels and a plate of goat cheese, which came with little toasts. I also ordered a cocktail with jalapeno-infused vodka, which was absolutely delicious.

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We got home pretty late, and I was exhausted from a long day of travel. I walked to the house where I was staying, had a little snack, and collapsed into bed.

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homemade granola, m&m’s, and pretzels

It was wonderful to spend the weekend celebrating my friend’s wedding, especially because food fears feel so far away to me now. They are still there, and they occasionally pop up unexpectedly, but I feel as though I can actually live my life now. I can have a cocktail while out to dinner because it’s a special occasion. I can order what I really want at a restaurant. I can travel without crippling anxiety.

With these freedoms, I have gained weight. There was a time when that idea was the most terrifying thing in the world to me. Now that I’m living it, though, it doesn’t feel quite so scary. I have gained weight, but I can think again. I have gained weight, but I can exercise without feeling exhausted. I have gained weight, but I have gained a life as well. If you feel like you are the exception in recovery, the person who really does have to restrict forever, let me assure you that you are not. I’m going to be entirely honest: you will probably need to gain weight, but it will be so fucking worth it.

What I Ate Wednesday 8/24/16: What’s Normal?

Good morning! I have been majorly slacking in the blogging arena lately, but I’m linking up with Jenn today to share a day’s worth of food with you, along with some observations on what it means to be “normal” when it comes to food.

I know that the desire for normalcy fuels a lot of my actions, and I know that I’m not alone in that. We are naturally inclined to compare ourselves to others, and it is hard to not do so in a lens that errs on the side of negativity. A little shy of three years into my recovery journey, I am still trying to be normal, and still learning that normal isn’t necessarily something that exists at all.

Yesterday morning, I began my day as usual with oats brought from home and eaten at work.

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 oats with peanut butter, a beaten egg, and banana

For reasons unbeknownst to me, this breakfast filled me up a lot more than usual. I wasn’t hungry again for some time, but I snacked on part of a piece of banana bread when I did get a tad peckish.

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vegan chocolate chip banana bread that is the absolute best

When my lunch break rolled around, I was pretty damn hungry. In the service industry, you have to eat around your break times and that can be challenging. Sometimes you’re not hungry at all, but you know you will be later if you don’t eat. Other times, you’re ravenous and you know that you need to make your lunch last for a while. Yesterday, I was definitely relating to the latter of those options.

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sandwich with avocado and chicken, vegetables with hummus, and barbecue chips

When I got home from work, I wanted a little snack to hold me over until dinner. I ate a few naan crackers with some goat cheese, did a little yoga, and started to throw together a quick dinner.

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I had made spinach lasagna for dinner the night before, which is my jam, and there were plenty of leftovers yesterday, which made for an easy dinner before I headed off to see the movie Florence Foster Jenkins with some of my roommates.

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The movie was great, and it was only made better by all of the snacks that we sneaked in to eat while we watched.

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Gardetto’s, yogurt raisins, and Sugar Babies

I used to freak out about the idea of snacking at the movies. I associated it with eating enormous tubs of popcorn three times over, and I associated it with fatness. As I was watching with my friends yesterday, though, I realized how normal it is to snack at the movies. No, I don’t think it’s a great idea to skip dinner in favor of two buckets of popcorn on a regular basis. Nor do I think it’s a good idea to miss out on snacks with friends just because you’re paranoid about snacking at the movies immediately leading to morbid obesity, however. I ate the snacks and enjoyed the movie, which felt incredibly normal.

After the movie, I rode my bike around Portland in the dark for a while, which is one of my favorite activities. There’s something about being out and about in the warm summer night air that I absolutely adore. When I got home, I did a little reading and watched some Teen Mom 2 (no shame). I was a bit hungry again after a while, so I enjoyed an english muffin with peanut butter before calling it a night.

Is it normal to eat a snack before bed? Absolutely. Is it normal to not eat a snack before bed if you are still full from dinner? Sure. Is it normal to eat with friends at the movies? Of course. Is it even normal to eat candy and popcorn for dinner every once in a while? Yep. Normal is what makes us happy. Normal is what gives us fulfilling relationships. Gradually, I am learning that normal can be almost anything, and that striving for an objective level of normalcy only limits us from being our normally weird selves.

What I Ate Wednesday 8.10.16

Good morning from beautiful Montana! It has been a lovely vacation week here, which has included a little rest, many visits with loved ones, and plenty of delicious food. One of the best things about coming home is being able to get out of my routine and enjoy some of my favorite restaurants with family and friends. Today, I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of Montana eats with you!

I began my day leisurely with my brother and two close friends who had stayed over at our house the night before. Everyone was doing their own thing for breakfast, so I whipped up a bowl of oatmeal and made a strong pot of coffee.

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oats with peanut butter, an egg, and fresh raspberries

My friends, brother, and I went for a walk and did some thrift shopping before meeting up with my mom for lunch. It was a rainy day, which called for soup.

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vegetarian chili, salad with poppyseed dressing, and french bread

I ran around town visiting various friends, baked a cake to take to my dad’s house, and went for a walk in the afternoon. On my way out the door, I snagged a handful of baby carrots, some nuts, and a little granola to eat in the car.

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When I got home, I snacked on coconut greek yogurt with Rice Krispie cereal while I frosted my cake.

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For dinner, my family went out to my favorite Chinese restaurant. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to be able to go to a place like this and feel a sense of flexibility around what I order. I told my brother that I would split whatever he wanted, and we settled on chicken with broccoli and vegetarian egg rolls.

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After dinner, my brother and I went out to our dad’s house to visit him for a bit. I brought the cake that I made, which was a dark chocolate cake with bourbon coffee buttercream. I only had a sliver because I knew the chocolate and coffee would keep me up, but it was delicious. If you need a solid chocolate cake recipe, I can’t recommend this one highly enough.

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After visiting with our dad, we headed home to watch an episode of Chopped that features somebody I know in Portland. For the occasion, I made a bowl of popcorn with garlic and olive oil.

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I was a little bit peckish before bed again, so I settled for my peanut butter toast standby.

Honestly, this particular day wasn’t my easiest as far as body image is concerned. I was struggling to give myself grace and struggling to allow myself to live without fear of food and insecurities about my appearance. Recovery is still a journey that I’m on, and there are moments that feel extremely hard. Despite this, the reality of recovery is apparent to me whenever I return home. Every trip that I make, it gets a little easier to break routine, a little easier to have a bit of cake, and a little easier to focus on real life. Days like this remind me that it is possible to pursue recovery and possible to enjoy food even on days that feel a bit more challenging. One step backward does not negate progress, and it does not take away from the incredible freedom that recovery affords.

What I Ate Wednesday 7/20/16: Bike Thieves Ruin Everything

Good morning! How is your week going so far? Mine was going quite well….until my bike was stolen on Sunday. Damn bike thieves. And it was stolen on the day that I intended to put together my What I Ate Wednesday post this week. Although it was definitely not the best day out of the past seven, I’m still going to share a day’s worth of food with you from that fateful Sunday when my beloved bike was stolen.

I started my morning off normally, with a bike ride to work. After getting everything set up to open, I ate my oats out of a mason jar that I brought with me.

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oats with an egg, peanut butter, and banana slices

After a couple of hours, I needed to step upstairs to print off a few things at work. I knew that it would be a while before I could eat lunch, so I ate some banana bread slices mid-morning while I did some office work.

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chocolate chip walnut banana bread

When I finally got home from work, I threw together a lunch of leftovers. I had made quinoa baked with soy chorizo, black beans, and vegetables for dinner the night before, and the leftovers made a perfect, quick lunch.

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After lunch, I biked to a coffee date that I had and ordered a decaf soy latte. I felt a little bit obnoxious ordering such a drink, but I love soy milk and I also love sleep. SO THERE.

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Partway through my date, one of the employees at the bakery I was at brought out some free pastries for us. I was hungry, and it was for the best that I chose to snack on the pastries because my impending bike theft meant that I didn’t get home for quite a while.

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monkey bread and a berry turnover

After my date ended and I discovered that my bike was gone, I was obviously in a fairly foul mood. I took the bus home, crying to myself the entire way and looking utterly pathetic. When I finally got home, I spent some time pouting in my room before throwing together an easy dinner.

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pasta with sausage, parmesan cheese, and vegetables

I filed a police report and added my bike to a few stolen bike indexes before heading to bed. I also had a snack before hitting the hay, because that’s how I roll.

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tropical trail mix and half of an english muffin with peanut butter

Sunday wasn’t the best day of my life to be sure, but I was still able to eat some great food! Thanks to Jenn for the linkup, and let me know if you see this beautiful bike anywhere:

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What I Ate Wednesday 7/13/16

Good morning! I haven’t done a What I Ate Wednesday post in a long time, so I figured I might as well put one together this morning, since I’m lounging around home before heading out to volunteer for the afternoon.

My primary reason for not participating in these link-ups over the last few weeks has been that I have been rather busy, and the idea of looking through all of my pictures to put together a post like this has felt exhausting. Today, however, after a large quantity of sleep, I finally feel up to the task. I have a fun day of food to share with you, too, because my mom was in town last week and we made sure to eat lots of delicious, interesting things while she was in town.

Of course, breakfast rarely changes for me. Before my mom got into town, I ate a bowl of oats with peanut butter as usual.

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When my mom arrived, we went to IKEA. Somehow, I had never been before, and I can safely say that my life is changed forever. We shopped for a good while, and we decided to have lunch there.

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vegetarian meatballs with chili, steamed vegetables, and salad with an un-pictured frozen yogurt cone

After taking my mom to see the bakery where I work, we decided to get pedicures at a salon recommended by my coworker. And, of course, we didn’t turn down complimentary mimosas.

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My mom and I headed home to begin the daunting task of assembling IKEA furniture, and I snacked on some granola and caramel corn while we finished putting things together and cleaning up. After we were done, I took my mom out to one of my favorite Thai restaurants in town.

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squash and sweet potato curry with chicken, spring rolls, and crab puffs

After dinner, we headed home and hung out with my roommates around the house for a bit. I had to work early in the morning, so it wasn’t long before I had my bedtime snack of peanut butter toast and called it a day.

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Having my mom in town was wonderful, but it was a bit uncomfortably reminiscent of the trip she took to visit me three years ago, the one in which we decided that I was too sick to recover on my own in Indiana. It was during that trip that I visited a psychiatrist who told me that I was on a fast track to inpatient care, and it was during that trip that I had to quit my job, leave my house, and decided to move back home. That feels like a lifetime ago, but I still remember exactly how it felt to be that fearful. I remember having a meltdown because I thought that my mom had given me too much salsa. I remember being ashamed when I couldn’t explain to my mom why I had to count the calories in gum. I remember feeling no hope, and only fear, about the future. In contrast, this visit was absolutely beautiful. My mom and I had fun together. We ate at restaurants that don’t post nutritional information. I didn’t have a single meltdown about salsa. Recovery is possible, people, and it is so worth it.

 

What I Ate Wednesday 6/8/16

Good morning! How is your week going so far? It has been abnormally hot around here, but it is finally starting to cool off a little bit. This morning, I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of food with you, and to show that a life of flexibility around food is immensely freeing.

For breakfast on Sunday, I had my usual bowl of oats when I got to work.

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oats with peanut butter and raspberries

Around mid-morning, my boss made everybody brunch to celebrate a coworker’s last day. We had leftover quiche, hash browns, salad, fruit, and mimosas.

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It was insufferably hot on Sunday and the thought of cooking was not especially appealing, so when I got home from work I decided to have a low-maintenance lunch.

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salad with tuna and avocado, carrots with hummus, and an apple with Nutella

For an afternoon snack on my way out the door, I hate a handful of strawberries and a few squares of dark chocolate.

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I decided to check out a new church with my roommate on Sunday evening, and the church has a meal after its service every week. This particular week was a potluck, and potlucks used to stress me out to no end. The inability to predict the food that would be there, the unknown ingredients in everybody’s dishes…it was all too much for me. There was certainly a point where I would have avoided this church because of this, and I’m so grateful that I can attend and enjoy something as simple as a church potluck.

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salad with ranch dressing, tortilla chips, guacamole, fruit, and a bean salad with avocado

When we got home, we had some of a berry tart that one of my roommates had made.

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yum

After a few more hours of hanging out with my housemates, I was ready to call it a night, so I had a quick bedtime snack and hit the hay.

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yogurt with Nutella and berries, trail mix, and Annie’s Bunny Grahams

No matter how anxiety-provoking recovery can be, looking back over days like this reminds me of why I have chosen it. The false reassurance of controlling food is not worth the socially awkward experience of turning down food because it scares you. We live in a society now where it is almost seen as normal to avoid foods that we can’t control, and I think this is truly tragic. Food is meant to be sustaining, both socially and physically. It is meant to be shared. It is meant to be delighted in. Although we may live in a time where it is acceptable and encouraged to stick to rigid food rules, I believe that we are truly missing out by doing so. The ability to share food is one of life’s greatest gifts, and it is something that all of us should enjoy.

What I Ate Wednesday 5/18/16: Campfire Season

Good morning! How are you on this fine Wednesday? I’m finally beginning my weekend and it feels much needed. I’ve been feeling a little blah lately, and I think part of that is simply exhaustion. So, today and tomorrow, I’m hoping to do a good bit of resting. Before I do that, I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of eats with you. I still debate the value in these types of posts, because I feel like they make me a little hyperaware of what I’m eating and I don’t want to encourage unnecessary comparison. However, they also provide a good opportunity for me to challenge myself, break out of my routine, and reflect on how my eating habits have changed since beginning recovery. I still find it somewhat helpful to think about how and why I make the food choices that I do, and these posts allow me to do that!

Last Friday, I began my morning with leftover millet cooked with evaporated milk and sugar. After I reheating it, I added a couple of tablespoons of peanut butter and it was a nice, quick breakfast.

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Breakfast was good, but it wasn’t quite as satisfying as my typical oatmeal concoction, so I don’t think it will make it into the regular rotation.

Midway through the morning, I was hungry for a snack.

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Coffee cake muffin, and copious amounts of coffee.

When I finally got my half-hour break, I sat down to the lunch that I had brought from home.

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turkey sandwich with avocado, baby carrots, and apple slices

Throughout the afternoon, I snacked on various little things around the bakery, including a bite or two of these phenomenal lemon bars.

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After I got home from work, I did a little yoga and had an afternoon snack.

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berries with cottage cheese

One of my roommates was having a friend over for a potluck bonfire, so dinner was eaten around the fire with friends.

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roasted asparagus, fruit salad, potato salad, and meatballs

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roasted marshmallows with dark chocolate inside

After all of the vodka sodas were consumed and the fire had died down, I rounded off my night with a bedtime snack and headed to bed.

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caramel corn and toast with peanut butter

All in all, it was a good day of food in my world. I still get preoccupied with my weight, I still get caught up on what food choices I’m making, and I still have days that feel really fucking hard. But I’m getting closer and closer to living the life that I want to live, and I know that things will only continue to improve if I challenge myself and put recovery first.

What I Ate Wednesday 5/11/16: I Don’t Care

Good morning! I can hardly believe that it’s already Wednesday, and that it’s already May 11th. The seemingly rapid passage of time is making me extremely nervous for how quickly summer will fly by! I suppose the best we can do is try to live in the moment. Today, I’m doing that by linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of food from this past week.

Sundays at work tend to be a little insane, and this past Sunday was no exception. I biked to work, threw together my breakfast, and ate it as I could while I worked.

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oats with egg, banana, and peanut butter

After a couple of hours, my boss made Sunday Brunch, which she tries to do every weekend. This week, she made english muffins, sausages, and eggs. I was ready for a morning snack, so I snagged an english muffin and topped it with sausage and ketchup. I will never understand those who don’t like ketchup.

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When I got home from work, I threw together a very late, but very tasty, lunch.

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leftover rice cooked with an egg and vegetables, carrots with hummus, and watermelon

For dessert/an afternoon snack, I ate some cooked millet leftover from when I made Senegalese food for my housemates a few days ago.

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millet cooked in evaporated milk and sugar, with yogurt and strawberries

We hosted church/dinner at our house on Sunday night, and I decided to participate even though it has been quite a while since I did. I’ve been missing a church community, and I’m glad that I decided to join. Plus, we had taco salad for dinner, which is the best food ever.

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greens with soy chorizo, beans, tortilla chips, salsa, sour cream, and onions

After dinner, I met a friend of mine for a beer and a few lively rounds of ping pong.

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a hefeweizen with a lemon wedge

After I got home from ping-ponging with my friend, I snacked on some trail mix, with chopped dates added.

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And, before bed, I had a delicious piece of toast with peanut butter.

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Lately, I feel like I’m at a place in my recovery of ‘I don’t care.’ Not that I don’t care about my recovery – quite the opposite, in fact. I don’t care if drinking a beer will make me gain a pound. I don’t care if eating processed foods like ketchup will take thirty seconds off of my life. I don’t care if it’s considered unhealthy for me to have a snack before bed. I don’t care, because I’m too busy enjoying my life to care. Sometimes I catch myself caring for a minute, but then I pour myself another glass of wine just to spite my fears about liquid calories, grab a snack that would have been forbidden a year ago, or simply try to focus on the life that is happening right now, because that is the one that matters. I don’t consider myself to be in a place of total food freedom, but the less I care, the closer I get.

What I Ate Wednesday 5/4/16: Hot Dogs, Sangria, and S’mores

Good morning! How is your week going so far? Mine is moving right along. We are understaffed at work, which puts a little extra burden on managers such as myself, but I’m enjoying my job nonetheless. That being said, I am more than ready for a couple of days off! Today, I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of food with you in honor of What I Ate Wednesday.

My day started as it usually does, at work with a bowl of oatmeal thrown together.

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oats, an egg, and peanut butter cooked with banana slices

A few hours after I got there, my boss cooked up some sausage and french toast for all of us, and I took a few minutes to eat a bit of it.

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I ended up staying at work longer than usual, which pushed my lunch way back. To hold me over, I snacked on various things around the bakery.

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freshly baked granola

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almond croissant scraps

When I finally got home from work, I made myself a very late lunch before gardening with my housemates.

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tuna melt and baby carrots with red pepper hummus

Our house decided to have a fire in our new fire pit after we finished gardening, and we bought hot dogs and ingredients for s’mores. We invited a few people over and had a fabulous night hanging out, eating good food, and drinking delicious sangria made by my roommate.

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hot dog with onions and cabbage caramelized in bacon, kettle chips, and sangria

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pretzel chip s’more (definitely worth trying)

After a relaxing, fun evening together, we haphazardly cleaned things up and headed in for the night. I didn’t have to work early in the morning, so I stayed up doing a little reading and catching up on some tv. And, before bed, I made myself a little snack to hold me over until morning.

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toast with coconut peanut butter

Looking back over this day, I can easily stress about how “unhealthy” it appears. Hot dogs and sausage and marshmallows and alcohol? But, honestly, at this stage in recovery, I am working on accepting that I want days like this in my life. I want to be able to enjoy a glass of sangria (or four) with my friends. I want to be able to eat hot dogs and chocolate. And, if my body needs to weigh a bit more for me to have true freedom around food, it is entirely worth it.

 

 

What I Ate Wednesday 4/27/16

Good morning! How is your week treating you so far? Mine has been flying by, which I suppose can be a good thing or a bad thing. I’ve been working long shifts at work and I had a few days of complete, wipe-out exhaustion, but I feel much more prepared to face the day after some decent nights’ sleep. Today, I’m linking up with Jenn to share a day’s worth of food (and booze) with you!

The morning started out normally, with a big bowl of my favorite breakfast.

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oats with peanut butter, an egg, and banana

When I got hungry again at work, I snacked on various things around the bakery.

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leftover almond croissant pieces

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chai made with soy milk

When lunchtime rolled around, I ate leftover pasta mixed with with salad greens. It was kind of a shot in the dark lunch idea, but it turned out pretty well.

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salad with rotini cooked with butter, cabbage, and onions

After a long day at work, I finally made it home and threw together a snack.

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vegetables with red pepper hummus

In the evening, we hosted a small get-together for my roommate’s birthday, which calls for the drinking of cheap beer and delicious margaritas. What can I say? Sometimes you gotta have two drinks at once.

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Miller High Life and a peach margarita

We ordered amazing pizza from a local take-out place/convenience store (weird, I know), and it was the perfect food for a chill birthday party.

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a couple of pieces of veggie pizza, cabbage slaw with sesame seeds and soy sauce

After a few hours of socialization, I was ready to call it a night. I made myself a quick bedtime snack and turned it so that I could be ready to wake up bright and early for work the next day.

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english muffin with peanut butter and Life cereal

All in all, it was a pretty solid day of eats. Lots o’ carbs, lots o’ peanut butter, and lots o’ friends. I can’t complain too much about any day that features pizza, beer, and margaritas, and it felt great to celebrate my roommate without freaking out about food and calories. Despite the hard days, recovery is freedom, my friends.

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